That little negative voice in my head…. NaBloPoMo day 4

Daily challenge question: Have you ever tried to break a habit and failed? What made it so difficult to break?

This was a tough question to answer. It stumped me for a few days. I am usually pretty good about breaking habits. I have had some bad ones but have dumped them along the way. How is it that I can’t think of one bad habit I have had but failed? I am so far from perfect, why is this so difficult?

Then it struck me. I am far from perfect, that is what I said to myself over and over again. Then I started to listen to that little voice speaking to me. It never has anything good to say. NEVER. I consider myself a pretty self confident person. I am not all that thrilled with my appearance at the moment but over all I am happy and optimistic.

Then there is that voice. Right now it is telling me this blog post is stupid and makes no sense. It is also saying that I should be cleaning (my house is a mess). It is also telling me I have too much work to catch up on then to sit here and write. It also just reminded me of my laundry, and how I didn’t call my mom back, or visit my mother in law today like I planned. I also didn’t eat healthy enough today. According to this voice, I am a major failure.

Unfortunately I think this little voice begins for a lot of girls when they are relatively young. We are taught to hate ourselves, not sure how it happens but it does. I hear young girls all of the time stating how much they hate their hair, ears, nose, eye color, thighs, belly, height, weight, etc…. It is so wrong but so prevalent. I felt that way about myself for a very long time. Obviously that voice is still there so it is a hard habit to break.

Thank goodness I don’t listen to this voice very much. Or maybe I do listen too much and it is this voice that pushes me to constantly try and better myself.

I think this negative voice is the habit I can’t break. I am trying to incorporate meditation daily in my life. I am trying to quiet that voice and replace it with the positive. This past September I had the honor of attending a Hayhouse weekend seminar called “I Can Do It”, with Wayne Dyer as one of the headliners. It was amazing! Over and over I heard stories about being positive and attracting better things into your life. I have incorporated a lot of what I learned that weekend into my life and have a very long list of books to read that were recommended.

I do not put myself down in front of my children, never have. I am constantly explaining how believing in yourself is how to live. One of my favorite quotes is by Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.”
Whether-you-think-you
Now that I have really thought about this and put it in writing, I have a feeling that little negative voice will soon be a thing of my past.

Writing From Prompts (NaBloPoMo Day 9)

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I’m having a really hard time with these December NaBloPoMo prompts. It’s not them; it’s me. It’s this time of year. It’s my life, this season, this topic- Joy.

I am trying. I’m trying to live. To be. Wife, mommy, boss, colleague, friend. Present. I’m trying to enjoy, while remembering; while missing. Constantly.
I’m trying not to cry when I hear Christmas music. Any music. To remember when it made me happy and go there instead. To dance and sing. To hug and smile. To write.

But, the majority of the December NaBloPoMo prompts just aren’t working for me. I’ll keep writing every day and I’ll try to publish my posts daily, but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself when I either don’t find/take the time or (more often) just can’t bring myself to finish or share what I write.

-M ❤

So Often, It’s the Little Things (NaBloPoMo, Day 2)

Today’s NaBloPoMo Prompt: Talk about a surprise that made you happy.

I tend to lean towards happiness, in general. I just feel like it takes more energy to be unhappy, so it doesn’t take a lot to make me smile and I don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. (But grand gestures are always fun and welcome!)

One afternoon last spring, while I was on the phone (with my Dad?) my son quietly got my attention by showing me a note or a small drawing he was working on. I had just seen him zooming around the house, so I remember being slightly puzzled. He had a little sparkle in his eye and I could see he wanted my attention, so I followed- at some point, getting off the phone. It turned out that he had arranged a series of post-it notes around the house, each one hinting at the next in true scavenger hunt style. The exciting (read “very quick”) hunt around the house ended with a beautiful little love note, written inside a pen-drawn heart, which he had hung from the ceiling using a piece of pink ribbon, by standing on my bed. It was the sweetest surprise and his little sister copies his adorable idea from time to time. Not yet fully understanding the way one hint should lead to the next, her post-its usually just list the next location and don’t end with anything hanging from the ceiling, but it always brings back the burst of love and happiness I felt when her big brother surprised me. So often, it’s the littlest things that bring the most joy. ❤

Finding Joy When It Doesn’t Feel Easy

So, I’ve decided to take BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo challenge for December and post every day. The theme this month is joy- fitting for the season, right? It just so happens that it is the word I have chosen as my mantra these last few months, in hopes of more than just getting through.

This used to be my favorite time of year. This year, it is (as you might expect) very hard. Kicking off my holiday shopping at a fundraiser a friend’s store was having for our school, I found myself wiping tears away so I could see the toys and games. Shopping for the girls and seeing things Josh would have wanted was incredibly painful.
Having Thanksgiving with family, a little extra space at the table, was pretty awful. Hearing holiday music and seeing festive lights on the drive home was even worse.

Here, in this bright and cheerful season, my heart is struggling to feel the joy that usually comes so easily. I find myself cringing when the neighbors switch on their lights and my body tenses when I hear my favorite Christmas songs. It seems impossible to celebrate anything without the boy who brought us so much joy.

And then I hear his sisters laughing. There can be joy with pain. And pain with joy, I guess. This is our journey…

Where do you find joy?