The tree that I delayed putting up. That A practically had to beg for this year. That we cried, decorating.
That Josh would have loved and sat near and gazed at with such joy.
The first tree without him.
We have lived through our first holiday season without our boy. Should I be relieved?
I feel like it would be better, easier, if we had melted down. Exploded. Imploded. If the world had just stopped.
It hurts more, somehow, knowing that we can go on without him.